I just came back from a West Side camping trip with the Fitted Fam for Father’s Day weekend and had a life-and-career-changing revelation on the last day: I want to be a dolphin when I grow up. Paiea Projects’ Paul Kema and I got to swim with a pod of Indo-Pacific Bottlenose Dolphins and it was amazing. A little sketchy too because the dolphins were rolling 100 mammals deep. Plus, there were four dive boats, filled with tourists, following the pod all over the West Side. Needless to say, it was hard to tell if the dolphins were over humans. Shit, I would be if they hounded me like the paparazzi on Yeezy’s jock. While this oceanic experience gave me the necessary shot of adrenaline and inspiration, swimming with dolphins led me to change my career path.
Your author at his first day of Dolphin internship.
I’m over being a land-dwelling journalist. I’m over the deadlines, hours on the computer and the unhealthy snacks that come with it. I now aspire to be apart of the Delphinidae Family for the following 10 reasons:
1. Dolphins are the best surfers in the world. They can catch any wave, including the breakers off of boats, and punt 30-foot airs on the regular. Dolphins were landing back flips before Kelly Slater was born.
2. Dolphins are one of the few animals in the ocean that can kill sharks. They’ve been observed mobbing sharks who threaten their young or people. That’s so gangster!
3. Dolphins are down to help other species in distress. It doesn’t matter your color, creed or species, the dolphins got your back if they’re around.
All images by Paul Kema. Dolphins are intelligent, sexy, rip at surfing and love raw fish– pretty much everything I've been looking for in a human female.
4. Dolphins take a shit wherever they want. Paul and I saw so many dolphins taking a deuce while swimming it was ridiculous. I was also extremely jealous because I was holding it the whole weekend because I refused to dump at the Yokes’ public bathroom.
5. Dolphins spend the majority of their day playing and socializing.
6. Dolphins are sophisticated hunters that use echolocation to locate prey and communicate. In fact, schools of juvenile yellow fin tuna have been known to swim behind pods of dolphins to find bait balls of feeder fish sort of like how an entourage of scrubs follows a famous rapper to find groupie sex.
7. A dolphin’s diet consists of fish and squid. If I was a dolphin that would mean I get to grind poke everyday.
This is Contrast Contributing Photogrpaher Paul Kema posing with some hot dolphin booty. Your author couldn't swim fast enough to take a beter shot and ended up with this sub-par picture.
8. Dolphins are very social animals.
9. Dolphins are extremely intelligent.
10. Perhaps the most important reason of this list: dolphins are the only other mammals than humans that have sex for pleasure. They’ve been observed fornicating when females aren’t in heat. Therefore, they’re boning just to bone, not for procreation. In my opinion, this supports the fact that dolphins are highly intelligent. Dolphins also have sex multiple times a day and males have a unit that can function like a hand.
I’ll be putting in my two weeks soon to pursue a career as a dolphin. I just need to find a potential employer looking for a good dolphin. I’ll be sending my resume to Sea World later.
